Losing or already lost?

Having been a heroin addict for 22 years, there were times I would hear people say,”Well I’m grateful to be here today, and luckily I haven’t lost my mind like many others.” I would think to myself,”Actually that is true. I suppose I am lucky.” Well now I am beginning to think that I wasn’t as fortunate as I once believed.

Things are so annoying to me now a days. I can’t stand people around me. I wake up every day and I am still surprised at just how “alive” I am feeling. Only that alive feeling is utterly too realistic. Too….”painful”? I don’t quite have the words to describe it. Smells smell so strong. Hot and cold feel so foreign to me. I guess this could be P.A.W.S. affecting me still. I have nearly 5 months since I left H. I now drink alcohol daily, and smoke a small amount of weed. Two habits that are new to me. So I ask myself, “Is this really the better alternative”? I’m uncertain how to proceed. Society would say it’s best to not use illegal drugs. I would counter that what I am doing now is worse than what I did before. Then those sober people would say get completely clean. Unfortunately I am under the impression that I have screwed my self so badly that I don’t feel like I can survive without some kind of mental escape. So I feel like I’m in between a rock and a hard place. I don’t know what to do.